tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
