Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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