Acid is not a monday night drug
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Bring me that man meat
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
