I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
