My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
