I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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