She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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