why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I need to calm my uterus...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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