I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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