She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
