all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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