i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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