If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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