she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
