i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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