I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
