you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
