Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
