I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
