Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
