dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
