he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
