She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
