Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize