why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
