Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
