I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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