I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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