How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
