I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
