I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
