just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize