I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize