why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
