apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
