I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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