the day after is always just damage control
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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