Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I could fuck to npr.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
