I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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