Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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