my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
