let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The Olympian is in my bed
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