So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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