i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
