I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
