I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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