I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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