was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
