Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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