Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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