I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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