Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
