1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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