I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
