This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
