We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
