I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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