Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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