Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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