His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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