so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
