i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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