Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
