why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
