The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize