no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
