oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
