If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
