Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
