Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
